THAT 70'S HOGWARTS
by Mistress FF and Mistress WW
Summary: It's 1976 and the Maruaders are at it again. While cultivating a small garden of marijuana and smoking it, the four boys get their most genius ideas for pranks. This is kind of like That 70's Show, except with magic! So, everyone, brace yourselves!
1. Rebels Graffiti the Castle

**_THAT 70'S HOGWARTS_**

By Mistresses Ferret Face and Woof Woof

Prologue

It all began that fateful day back in 1970. A group of young boys had become fast friends and were on their way to their first Herbology lesson. James Potter, the ring-leader of the 11 year olds, led the way to the greenhouses, brandishing his wand. Sirius Black was right behind him, making jokes about the Slytherins to his pals, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew. As the First Years approached Greenhouse #3, Professor Sprout herded them in and these four Gryffindors discovered their predisposement to mischief.

"Come on, you lot," said Professor Sprout as she pushed each child into the room. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter hastily made their way to the back of the greenhouse, eager to be as far away from the actual lesson going on.

"Hey!" whispered James to Sirius, "This plant has a **'Do Not Touch'** sign on it! Man... I wonder what it is."

Sirius took his wand out from his robes pockets and poked the plant with his wand. Nothing happened. "I dunno," he said. "But that thing looks like the Devil's Snare my mum used to grow in our garden."

"No, look," said Remus. "It says it's _Cannibus Sattiva_."

"Cannibul What?" said Sirius in awe.

"I've heard of that!" Peter chipped in. "Muggles smoke it to feel good."

"Smoking? Like fags?" said Remus with a hint of disgust.

"Nah, it's better. It's happy smoking!" replied Peter.

"Oh," said James, shrugging. "Watch Professor Sprout for me while I snag this thing."

The three boys turned around and made sure the professor couldn't see James taking the plant. Sirius looked over his shoulder and watched as James took a small pot of _Cannibus Sattiva_ and shoved it down his pants.

"Nice hiding spot," he smirked.

"Shut up, mate," said James, grinning.

"Does this mean we're gonna grow it all by ourselves?" said Peter in a squeaky voice.

"Yeah, man," said James, nodding his head. The rest of the boys nodded, too, as small grins formed on their faces. "Let's cultivate."

* * *

6 Years Later...

"It's dark in here, you guys," said Remus, his voice airy. It was 1976 and it was the boys 7th year. Throughout their time at Hogwarts, they had grown the _Cannibus Sattiva_ under Sirius' bed and smoked a lot of pot. Peter had been right; it did make them feel good, and while they were sitting in a circle getting high, they usually came up with their best pranks. The four had deemed themselves the 'Maruaders' and were known as the coolest pranksters of Hogwarts.

At this moment, James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were sitting in a circle on the floor in the 7th Year boys dormitory. They had just rolled a lot of pot leaves in special paper and were currently passing it around.

"You're wearing sunglasses," said Peter. "... And it's night."

"Oh..." said Remus, who grinned and took off his sunglasses.

Sirius took a drag on the blunt. "Man... Hogwart's is boring. We should totally do something tonight..." he said.

"Nah, man, I'm cool right here." said James, grabbing the blunt when Sirius handed it to him.

"No, man, seriously," Sirius answered.

"Ha, seriously. Siriusly!" laughed James.

"I got it!" said Sirius, jumping up. "Let's paint a pot leaf... on the Astronomy Tower!"

"Yeah, man!" said James. He grabbed his Invisibilty cloack from under his bed and the four boys huddled underneath. They exited the Gryffindor Tower and ventured all the way up to the Astronomy Tower. They took turns climbing out the Tower window until they were standing on a small ledge. Remus conjured up some green paint and in minutes, their masterpiece was done.

"So, guys, how does it look?" said James, stepping back to admire their work of art.

"It looks like the Astronomy Tower is giving us the finger," declared Remus.

"A green finger," muttered Sirius. "Hey Peter. Stretch up there and fix it."

Peter stretched as high as he could and added all sorts of ridges to the pot leaf.

"That looks better, man," said James.

"Just get that bit to the right," called out Sirius.

James, Sirius, and Remus watched as Peter stood on his tiptoes to reach the far right leaf and promptly lost his balance. They watched as Peter fell from the ledge in shock and laughter.

"Woah, Wormtail!" yelled Sirius. "You okay?"

"I-I'm okay," muttered Peter. "I only j-just fell about a h-hundred feet. I think I broke my arm."

"Should we go get him?" asked James, peering down into the darkness. James looked at Sirius who looked at Remus who shrugged.

"Nah," said Sirius, breaking the silence. "Let's go bake some special brownies."

"Yeah!" cried the three. And so they were off to the Kitchens.

* * *

It was the next day when the Maruaders snapped out of their pot-induced stupor. Peter was in the Infirmary because of his broken arm, and James, Sirius, and Remus were sitting around the fire in the Gryffindor Common Room. 

"I think I'm gonna buy Lily a present for our anniversary, man," said James, referring to his long-time girlfriend, Lily Evans.

"Cool," said Sirius. "Go get your secret cash supply and see if you can buy her one of those pet rocks. They're killer."

"Whoa, man!" said James, shocked. "You know about my hidden money?"

Remus snorted. "Dude, it's in the Wizard's Chess box. Everyone knows that."

James looked at his friends in suspicion and raced to their dormitory. He felt around under his bed until he pulled out his Wizard's Chess box. Opening it up, he pulled out the board and gasped. "Woah, man, there's no money here! Someone stole it!" he said.

"It must be Remus; he lives here with you," said Sirius.

Remus shot Sirius a glare. "Man, you do, too."

"Guys, what am I gonna do? I gotta buy Lily a present!" cried James.

"I bet Snivelly took it," remarked Sirius. "Let's go beat his face in."

"Bitchin'!" yelled James.

The three boys wandered the corridors in search of Snivelly Snape, who had had to have taken James' secret cash. While on their diligent search, they stumbled across Professor Dumbledore, who was eating a lemon drop.

"Man, Albus, I mean, Professor Dumbledore," said James, running a hand through his messy butsomehow sexy black hair. "Have you seen Snivelly - I mean, Snape! - around?"

The Professor's eyes twinkled as he answered. "Actually, I haven't encountered young Severus in quite a while."

"Man," sighed Remus.

"What seems to be the problem, boys?" asked Dumbledore.

"That bum stole James' secret cash that he was going to use to buy his chick a present!" said Sirius.

"The money in the Wizard's Chess game under your bed next to the Invisibilty Cloak?" Professor Dumbledore asked James.

"Yeaa - wait, how do you know?" James said, shaking his head.

"Maaaaan, everyone knows about it," stated Remus again.

"All right, let's go find Snivellus," said Sirius.

"Good day, boys," said Dumbledore. "Oh, wait, Mr. Potter, I borrowed your money to buy a new lava lamp. Maybe you could earn it back by having a bake sale."

"I don't bake," James said flat out.

"Oh, I'm sure it isn't above a 7th year to bake some cookies... maybe some brownies." added Dumbledore.

"We can make brownies, man!" cried Remus, pumping the air with his fist.

"Oh man," said Sirius, a happy grin on his face. "I love brownies."


	2. Fun With Brownies

**A/N:** Two very sick people wrote this next update. So appreciate it.

* * *

The very next day, James, Sirius, Remus and a newly rejuvinated Peter were sitting in a circle on the floor of the boy's dorms, smoking pot.

"Sirius, you attack that blunt man," Peter snorted as Sirius took a huge hit.

Remus laughed and shook his head. "Man, did Poppy give you any painkillers?" he asked.

Peter nodded like a bobblehead doll. "She was kinda high too, after the bake sale thing."

"Man, who wasn't," James grinned, blowing out a large puff of smoke.

"I know! Did you see McGonagall? She was like, _hahahahahahah_!" Sirius dribbled out a scarily realistic impression of the Transfiguration Professor.

Peter interjected loudly, "Then Dumbledore sold all of the Hufflepuff House Quidditch brooms to that bloke in the Hog's Head for 5 Galleons!"

"Um," James held the blunt in his thumb and index finger, giving Peter a weird look. "No he didn't."

"...Oh man, I didn't tell you guys yet, but my uncle snuffed it and left me a flying motorbike in his will," Sirius said casually, breaking the awkward silence.

"Are you gonna go shag chicks on it?" James asked excitedly. "'Cause if I had a flying motorbike I'd go shag chicks on it."

"Man, good call," Sirius grinned. "I'm gonna give that blonde bird the time while you're off with Lily."

Remus shook his head, "Why am I the only guy who never has a chick?"

"Because, you're gay," James replied simply.

"BURN!" cheered Sirius loudly, choking on his own laughter.

"Man," James stared blankly at Sirius. "Let's go back down to the kitchens. That elf said she'd bake us more brownies."

* * *

Lily Evans, James Potter's girlfriend, flipped her long red hair behind her shoulders and continued her way down the corridor. Lily was an independent girl. She was top of her class and a curiously strong witch. Many people adored her, including her boyfriend's archnemesis, Severus Snape. 

It was just at that moment that Severus "Snivellus" Snape slithered over to her. His tangled hair looked a bit less greasy than the other days and his long, crooked noise leered at Lily.

"Hi... Lily," he said, smiling in a way that made him look constipated rather than happy.

"Oh!" said Lily. "Hi... Erm, Snape."

"Call me Severus," replied Snape.

"Okay... Severus," said Lily awkwardly. She gave him an odd look, but he didn't seem to notice it.

"I was wondering, since you're good at Charms and I'm almost failing it, maybe you could perhaps... Tutor me?" asked Snape.

Lily shrugged. "Okay," she said.

Snape grabbed her arm and started dragging her down the corridor. "Cool, thanks, how 'bout now?" he said excitedly.

"Well, ah... I do have to go meet James, soon," protested Lily. But seeing the pathetically disappointed look on Snape's face changed her mind. "But, I guess I can spare you ten minutes."

"Great," said Severus, shuffling into the library. He sat down in a chair and motioned for her to sit next to him.

"So..." Lily said, settling herslef in the rigid-backed chair. "Where are your books?"

"Oh, man.." Severus shrugged. "Forget about those. Tell me, Lily, did you like _Hogwarts: A History_? Because I noticed you were reading it the other day."

"Oh, yeah, I did. The whole Founders section was particularly fascinating," said Lily earnestly.

"Yes, yes, the friendship between Salazar Slytherin and Godric Gryffindor was shocking," Snape replied, wringing his hands together.

Soon, Snape and Lily found themselves in a deep conversation about the Hogwarts Founders and time flew by. Because of the intense conversation, Lily completely forgot about meeting James and the poor stood up boy came to find her.

He opened the library doors to see his girlfriend talking to the slimiest Slytherin in the school. Naturally, he whipped out his wand. "Snivellus!" he barked. "Get away from my girlfriendor I'm going to hex your arse into tomorrow!"

Severus looked up and sneered. "Why? She seems to be enjoying my company."

"Lily would never enjoy your company, man," said James, pointing his wand at Snape's forehead.

"Honestly, James, stop this!" cried Lily.

"Come on, Lil, get up and let's go," said James.

Lily stood up and lowered James' wand. "I'm sorry, Severus," she said, giving him a pitiful look. She then led James out of the library. Once they were a few corridors away, Lily rounded on James.

"What were you thinking?" she yelled angrily, poking him in the chest.

"What was I thinking?" repeated James, dumbfounded. "You were talking to Snivelly!"

"We were having a honest conversation about the Founders!" said Lily. "He was only talking to me because we both liked _Hogwarts: A History_!"

"No, no. Snape was not talking to you because of that," denied James.

"Yes, he was!" said Lily. "I know what you're thinking, James Potter. Just because a guy pays attention to me, it does not mean he wants to get me naked!"

"Oh, grow up!" James cried.

"Is that why you paid attention to me?" asked Lily hysterically.

"OF COURSE," yelled James, throwing his hands up in the air. "... Not! Of course not! I love your mind. That's what I love," he recovered quickly.

Lily shook her head and punched James in the arm. "God, James, you're such a wanker." And then she stormed away.

"Oi, Lily, I'm sorry, come back!" he called out, hastening to follow her. "I love you, you know I do! In fact, I love you so much, that I remebered the anniversary of our first kiss and held a bake sale to get the galleons to pay for a gift!"

Lily stopped. "That was your bake sale?"

Grinning, James slipped a pretty silver necklace over her head. Lily looked down at it in awe.

"It matches my eyes," she grinned, running a thumb over the green pendant.

"Yeah yeah, well there's more to the suprise!" James rested his arm across her shoulders. "Let's go!"

* * *

After leading her up the marble staircase, James climbed out onto the ledge of the Astronomy Tower, Lily's hand held fast in his.

"Isn't it awesome?" James marveled, pulling Lily into a tight hug once she was safely out the window.

Lily rested her chin on James' shoulder, studying the artwork. "It looks like the Astronomy Tower is giving me the middle finger," she said after a few pensive moments

"Isn't it great though?" James beamed.

"Well," Lily forced a smile, "I suppose it's lovely."

James pressed a gentle kiss on Lily's lips. She grinned into his mouth and leaned back against the wall, pulling his body tight against hers. James entered inside Lily's sweet mouth, caressing her tongue with his. One of James' hands was running through Lily's long waves of auburn hair, the other upon her thigh, inching up her skirt...

Lily broke off the kiss. "Look, I told you we have to wait for the right time to do this."

"Umm," James bit his lower lip. "Okay, fine... How about now?"

"No," said Lily.

James replied after a moment of confused silence, "Okay. How about now?"

"No."

"Okay. Now?"

Lily grinned, "Yes!"

"Really?" James' face lit up in excitement.

Lily replied dully, "No."

"Oh I get it," James laughed softly. "Okay. Now, right?"

* * *

Remus and Peter were sitting up in the common room, doing a spot of Potions homework. 

"Man, I think instead of teaching us how to brew Draught of Confusion, we should learn to brew Firewhiskey," said Peter in a bored voice, tapping his quill on the essay and splattering ink all over it. Remus cast him a strange look from over his own assignment.

"You're being too bloody logical. Time for a break, man," Remus said lazily, summoning the Cannibus Sattiva plant sitting on the windowsill.

Meanwhile out of the grounds near Hagrid's Pumpkin Patch, Sirius sat happily on the seat of his new flying motorbike. He longingly admired the way the moonlight glamed off all the shiny gagues and random bits of metal...

"Oh Sirius," cooed a familiar female voice. He felt the pressure of another body climbing onto the motorbike. Twisting around on the seat, a grin spread across his face.

"Hey baby, what's goin' on?" Sirius beamed at the fit blonde girl.

"Oh, nothing," she wrapped her arms around Sirius' waist and spoke in an airy voice. "So, are we gonna go for a ride?"

"Uh-huh!" Sirius turned back around and revved up the bike. The engine roared loudly, Sirius hit the throttle, and they were flying off into the wild blue yonder.

Back in the dorms, Peter was currently gazing out the window. "It's such a pretty night, man," he said in an awed voice.

"Hmm," Remus hummed while continuing his essay in slanted handwriting. "You know what?"

"What?' Peter replied.

Remus scratched his chin, "Oh sod it I forgot. MAN, look, there's a shooting star!"

Jumping in his seat, Peter scrambled for the window and pressed his pudgy face against the glass. "Remus, man, don't excite me like that. It's just Sirius on his new motorbike."

* * *

:) woo hoo! 


End file.
